The Spiral

Silent Scream. Silent Scream. Silent Scream.

Sometimes I wonder if my neighbor can hear me crying. The scream/cry is so embarrassing, and yet I can't stifle it. I had a dream last night that I was left for dead. I was transported in a truck down into a canyon and left there, with no way out. So I did a google search on what it means to be left for dead in your dreams:

Dreams about being left for dead can symbolize feelings of anxiety, fear of abandonment, or the fear of loss of control. They are often a symbolic representation of an ending in your life, such as a relationship or a career, and can also reflect unresolved guilt or insecurity.

In the dream, I looked up and immediately started climbing. And it was hard. And I doubted myself. And I felt sorry for myself...BUT, I climbed out. I was determined to get myself out of there and I did. I hope that is a metaphor for real life, even if I can't see it in this moment.

I thought I was getting better. I had about a week of feeling positive. I had a week of feeling like I was going to be okay. It's gone. I'm unsure again. I went to his other page FB today. I was never friends with that page so I've never really gone to it. I saw so many other posts and tributes to him that I had never seen before. And then I saw a picture of his casket inside the hearse. I cried. And I couldn't stop. Literally. I cried so hard that I began to vomit and feel sick.

My therapist asked me last week - what is it that I need the most. I told her "a hug". She told me to ask someone I trusted for that hug. But I think I need to revise that need. I want someone to hold me as I cry. And just let me release. I long for comfort. And relief from these feelings.

Crying alone is so crushing and depressing. But, I think it's part of the process.

Anyway, I picked myself up, dusted myself off and wrote this. Now I'll just go to sleep and pray that tomorrow is a better day.