Glass

It's been hard to write posts lately. It's crazy how I can go from feeling like I'm going to be okay (in Aruba) to feeling like I won't survive this (all last week). I've always considered myself a strong person, but lately I'm like glass. Cracked glass.

I'm in a Facebook group for widows, and in the group I posted if anyone ever felt like they wouldn't survive this - over 300 women responded yes! I wish I didn't find comfort in that, because I don't wish this feeling on anyone. At the same time, I'm comforted in the fact that I'm not alone. And I'm not crazy!!! (because I was really starting to wonder)

It's exhausting feeling like you're on the verge of a breakdown at any moment. It's scary feeling like you're down a hole you can't come out of. It's lonely feeling like you can't trust anyone with your feelings.

My world stopped, and yet the rest of the world moved on. And I'm expected to function in a world I don't belong in. Everything has changed for me: how my home looks and feels, my routine, my traditions, my friendships, my safety, my identity. And through all of that, I've listened to people wonder why I still have meltdowns, why it seems like I can't move on. Some people crash out when their

relationship ends and yet here I am with a completely shattered world listening to expectations from those who have never experienced what I'm going through.

Isolation feels like the only safe space. The glass can crack in isolation.