Reflections

It took a few days, but I came out of WHATEVER that was that I was feeling after seeing that casket. It's crazy how you can go from feeling completely helpless and at the end of your rope, to out to dinner with friends, or at work, or helping someone, or just watching TV. My days are unpredictable, and I hate it. I feel like I'm on the verge of a meltdown EVERY SINGLE DAY. And it's exhausting. And apparently, this is the process. Yeah, I hate it.

Here are my thoughts today:

I feel like he can still come home. I know he can't, but I still FEEL like he can.

I have some really good friends, and some friendships that need re-evaluating.

He had REALLY GOOD friends. WOW.

I would be lost without my mother, brothers and grandmother.

My coworkers have also saved me, and they don't even know it.

I hate gossip.

I need to deal with the unresolved feelings I have towards my father that I thought were resolved.

I NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT.

I am vulnerable, pretending that I'm not.

I am confused and forgetful. I read it's called "widow's brain".

Some days, my just body aches. BAD. Like I have the flu.

I am so flawed.

I wish I had taken more time off from work, but I need work to avoid what I'm feeling.

I'm avoiding my feelings (not everyday).

I am terrified of the holidays and his birthday in January and my birthday in February.

I am anxious about my future and who will be in it.

My father-in-law sent me the best text today. I am thankful for him.

I am thankful for his daughter and ex-wife.

I am thankful for those in his family that support me. And I learned valuable lessons from those who don't. So I guess I'm thankful for them too.

I miss my husband.

I am thankful for my husband.

God blessed me with my husband.

I will continue to honor my husband.

Silent Scream. The end.