My Anniversary in Aruba

So my one year wedding anniversary has come and gone. And I surprised myself. I was feeling so defeated up until that trip. I was feeling defeated when I got there. Our flight was delayed, our car service to the hotel was late, check-in was challenging and we had less than an hour to get ready to head back out for our dinner reservation. I was TIRED - but I was used to that. But wow, dinner on the beach changed my whole mindset. That island is truly special. On 9/19 (my anniversary is 9/20), we were headed to a "floating massage". You take a boat out to a covered raft for a massage on the water. While waiting for the boat, I said to my friend "you know, I want to know if he thinks about me, can he see me, does he still love me?" She didn't mince words, she said, "No. He loved you until his last breath, but he's gone. Take comfort in the fact, and I know this for a fact, that man loved you until his last breath. Everybody doesn't get to have that feeling, so please find comfort in knowing that he loved you until he couldn't love you anymore."

Damn.

But you know what, I did find comfort in that. I DO KNOW that he loved me. I felt it. Every day. So the boat arrives and we start our massages. There is a slight breeze, the raft is gently swaying in water and music starts playing. And almost unbelievably, the instrumental of "I Will Always Love You" comes on...softly in the background. The tears come. But not the uncontrollable tears of hurt and despair that I had been experiencing. It felt more like tears of relief. It felt like a blanket of comfort was put over me. The tears were flowing, but I felt calm. It's almost indescribable. It was a peace I hadn't felt since before he passed. The next day was my anniversary and I was fine. It was a day that I thought I would fall apart, but I didn't. I'm so proud and happy with myself. I spent the day doing a photoshoot that I KNOW he would have loved (and that we talked about doing together) and then with flamingos on a beach, followed by a nice steak dinner. I got through my first big hurdle, when I thought I would collapse. Now I feel like I can get through more.

Thankful for that trip and my good good girlfriend that took it with me. Thankful for the friend that checked on me that entire trip, for some reconnections I made before the trip, and for those that prayed for me and sent positive vibes knowing that it was my anniversary. I think I'm going to be okay.