Hurt Feelings

"She doesn't look sad"

"I'm trying to understand her grieving process"

"Who is the white girl"

"The family isn't feeling you"

"I don't like the date of the funeral"

"She went to Jamaica???"

"Is she dating already??"

"She doesn't look sad"

To whomever said this at the funeral...shame on you. AND, be careful what you say, who you say it to, and where you say it. The comment got back to me. My response: Looks can be deceiving. Did I LOOK sad? Maybe not. Was I sad? "Sad" isn't descriptive enough. I'm in a home where I'm used to him walking through the door everyday with a smile on his face and a joke on his lips. I'm in a home that's now quiet (without the blare of the TV that I used to yell at him to turn down). I am in a home that still has his clothes in the closet, his insulin in the refrigerator, and his razors in the bathroom. I have a truck that smells like him. Our wedding pictures are around the house, I wear his flip flops and his t shirts. He still gets mail and phone calls. Our neighbors still approach me with condolences. I can still hear his voice. I can still see his smile on the last night that he was alive. I can still remember my laughter at his antics. Again, maybe I didn't look sad to YOU because I wasn't a mess on the outside. Maybe because my "mess" was internal, you couldn't understand it. You can't see the body aches and swelling, the panic attacks or the headaches. You can't tell that I have dreams that he's alive. That he miraculously comes back to life. Am I sad? Yes, but that's a small part of what I am. I am sad, shocked, confused, dazed, lonely, regretful, wounded, and some days in physical pain. It's been almost four months now, and the days get darker and heavier. Acceptance is trying to creep in, but I'm fighting it. I try to stay busy, social or working. I'm blessed that I don't look how I feel, because trust me, on the days that I DO look how I feel, you'll never see me. I stay in the house!

"I'm trying to understand her grieving process"

You tell me yours and I'll tell you mine. The truth is, how can you understand something that I don't even understand. Something that I don't even WANT!!!! I DON'T WANT TO GRIEVE! I WANT HIM BACK! There is no feeling worse than grief. So to say you want to understand...you don't. Trust me you don't, and you can't anyway. If you're trying to understand me from social media, that's impossible. It's a small and curated portion of my life. I am MUCH MORE layered and complex than what you see. But I also answer every single person that has reached out to ask me how I'm doing, And I've never told one person that I am ok. I struggle to get through every day, then I go to sleep to wake up to do it again. That's my process.

"Who was the white girl" (at the funeral)

She's the friend that called my mother when she couldn't reach me and asked how she could help. She offered to be my (and ended up being OUR) strength that day. She came early and stayed late. She was a friend that wasn't there to take anything personally while I was grieving. She was just THERE. And that's a REAL friend. And I can never repay her for that day. For those that took her protection over me offensively, that's unfortunate. Somehow my protection from someone you didn't know (and of a different skin color) triggered an insecurity. Do better. She did what she was asked to do, so if there are some feelings, have them towards me, not her.

"The (his) family isn't feeling you"

This is probably the most hurtful thing I heard. I don't know how to respond to it because I don't know what I could have done during this time to make someone not like me. I don't even know which part of the family it is! What I do know is that I loved Kevin, so I will not disrespect his loved ones by responding emotionally and publicly. But to be clear...THAT HURTS. And that had to be the point right? Why tell someone while they are grieving that the family of the person they are grieving doesn't like them? That's intentional. Mission accomplished.

"I don't like the date of the funeral"

I don't like that there WAS a funeral! Again, I WANT HIM BACK!!!! But my mother is a caregiver for my BELOVED grandmother and she was hospitalized at the time that KP passed through some dramatic circumstances. We weren't sure that she was going to make it as she had been exposed to pneumonia and was hallucinating. She was also in a subpar hospital. It's a miracle that she recovered and is still with us. This was just another layer of life that I was dealing with. I had never planned a funeral before and I picked a date that allowed my mother some time to get my grandmother home and to plan a service that I felt was fitting to the king he was and something he would be proud of - while still working my full time job every day, caring for our dog (who was also grieving btw), and grieving myself.

"She went to Jamaica???"

She did! I needed to get out of our home and collect my thoughts. Like I said, I took no time off from work until after the funeral because I was two months in when my father died and four months in when KP had the stroke. I've heard some people say they took weeks, months or even a year off. I took a holiday and THREE DAYS of bereavement and they were spent in Jamaica. I'm just thankful for that friend who said "We should get on a plane after the funeral". She was right. I needed to exhale, even if it was just for a few days. Thank you friend.

"Is she dating already??"

(Eyeroll) No, that's silly. Next.