April 29, 2025

This is probably the day I hate the most. It is no doubt the WORST day of my life.

I hated to make the decision to remove him from life support, and quite honestly I took too long to make it. I just REALLY wanted him to wake up. But he had developed a fever. They had him on a cooling pad and even that barely kept his temperature down, but the day the doctor called to say that he had an infection, I knew I couldn't wait any longer.

His dad told me he didn't think Kevin would want to live as a vegetable, and I agreed so we decided to take him off of life support on April 29th - ironically that date is saved in my phone as the first time he said "I love you" two years prior.

April 29th was torture. TORTURE. TORTURE. TORTURE!

I let his friends and family know that April 29th was the day. I said that any of them that wanted to be there for his last breath were welcome. Ironically, just two months prior, my husband stood with me as I watched doctors remove my father from life support. I couldn't believe I was going through this again. The whole day I was anxious, scared, regretful. Should I have let them do the trach and feeding tube? What if he just needed another week? What if his miracle was a week away and I was taking that from him??? How am I supposed to live with myself knowing that I'm taking his life??? How do I forgive myself??? Will I ever forgive myself???

When I got to the hospital, his room was PACKED. It was amazing to see so many people wanted to be there in his last moments. But for me, the sight of him...knowing that soon he would pass away, because of me, was heartbreaking. I HATE crying in front of people, but the tears were uncontrollable. And it hurt. My whole body was in pain, but especially my heart. I could LITERALLY feel my heart break. I've never felt a pain like that. EVER. It felt like I was in pieces.

I found something I wrote in my phone that morning. I didn't even remember writing it, but here it is:

This Day

Fear Dread

I'm nervous, I'm dizzy, I'm hot

Am I fainting? Am I dying?

I know I'm heartbroken

Silently screaming

Lord...save me!

Take me

Help me!

Love hurts

And love is BEAUTIFUL

I love him

I walked into that room holding my breath. I sat with him, holding his hand, praying that the miracle come...RIGHT NOW. PLEASE GOD.

It didn't.

The doctors came and they removed him from life support. And I stood there, in pieces. And the room was silent. We all were waiting. And guess what? Kevin starts snoring. He doesn't die. He just sleeps, quite peacefully (besides the snoring). We wait some more. Nothing.

And he makes it through the night. Breathing on his own. Sleeping. Snoring.